Couldn't have said it better myself.

Merry Christmas!

I loved having the family over for Christmas.  This was probably the first year there was zero drama and my brother actually stayed for a while to play games with all of us.  He usually bails pretty early so it was refreshing having him there.  We made ham, turkey, tamales, and a few sides.  I decided to bake cupcakes & cookies.  I also made some of my queso which ended up being a huge hit.  Finally I made something someone actually liked.  After we ate the drinking started.  Then came games including Left Right Center.  So much fun.  See pics below. 

Some extra motivation

Today I spent the evening talking to my step sister about her workout regimen.  She has been working so hard on her body because she is trying to get into fitness modeling.  Listening to what all she's been doing and seeing her results really makes me want to get back to the gym.  While modeling may be the main reason for her lifestyle change she also stressed that she just wants to be healthy.  That's definitely something I would like to be...healthy.  I enjoy exercising so there is no excuse for me not to get my butt back in the gym.  As for food...that is my weakness.  I may not eat alot but what I do eat is horrible.  Tortillas, cheese, bread.  Carbs typically are the first things I turn to when I'm stressed.  And then if I can't have bread then I want to pile on the cheese.  Ugh, its really bad.  Anyhow, the goal is to take some time while I'm off work the next few days to get back on track.  Fingers crossed that I make it happen.  In the mean time, check out one of the pics of Emily below.  Now do you see why she's my motivation.  Her body is INSANE! 

Newtown, NJ shooting - Sandy Hook Elementary

This is why I don't turn on the news.  There will be tears in my eyes all day.  I just don't understand what makes people do the things they do.  As a mother I try to protect my daughter as much as I can but its proven once again we really have no way of shielding them completely from all the bad in this world.  Still, I keep guiding her to see the good in life & pray it always out weighs the bad.  Prayers & thoughts go out to all who lost loved ones today.

Hmmm...

I'm not sure what bothers him the most...the fact that I don't love him or the fact that I don't hate him anymore?

Should I stay dark???

Quick Recap

Here are a few pics from the past few weeks.  Makenna's aunt Valyncia came to town.  Then the next day we headed down to the valley.  My uncle was down from Nebraska so we had a nice little party with all my family.   Below you'll see a pic of Makenna with my cousin Kourtney.  We had a fire & roasted marshmallows.   When we got back in town it was time for Thanksgiving & then Aaniya's 3rd birthday party.  The theme was Mustache Hello Kitty.  Mak had so much fun.

Alicia Keys - Brand New Me

So much for thinking I didn't have "Daddy Issues"

Saturday night I sat down and had an unexpected heart to heart with my sister.  I’m not sure how we even started talking about her father but somehow it came up.  I don’t think I’ve updated you guys but Mark (her father) and I made up after not speaking for almost 2 years over a month ago.  Again, for those who don’t know he raised me from 4 years of age til I was 12.  When my parents chose to divorce I decided to live with him but eventually gave in and moved with my mother.  Anyways, when his father passed away recently I attended the funeral and we decided to move forward with our relationship.  A week later we had dinner, the three of us, and I thought it was a changing point for us.  He apologized for not being there for me and told me I will always be his daughter no matter what.  He went on and on over dinner about how me being his daughter will never change and how much he wants to continue to have me part of his life.  How much he loves me & cares about me came out more than once from his mouth.  Still skeptical I told him that while what he was saying sounded good I hoped he meant it.  He has a pattern of reaching out, building back my trust and then disappearing again.  So I asked him to please promise to follow through this time and not pull away again. He reassured me over and over that it wouldn’t happen again and that he had changed. 

Thinking all was well this weekend I decided to finally have him meet Makenna.  If he wanted to be my father it was only right he meet his grandchild.  It went great and Makenna seemed to really warm up to him.  All was well til he came and sat down on the couch, hugged Brittany and said, “I’m so glad to see my daughter.  All I want to do is spend time with my daughter.”  No, not daughters…DAUGHTER.  What made it even more awkward was that I was sitting right beside her.  I tried to ignore it as best as I could.  Then, someone mentioned him wanting grandchildren.  My aunt said, “Well you have Makenna…” Long pause…and then no comment.  At this point I could tell something was up.  The person who claimed to be so excited about being my father and being a grandfather was no longer there. 

Now back to the convo with Brittany…when I mentioned this awkwardness that had taken place earlier in the night her response was, “Tiff just don’t put any more effort into it.  That’s all I’m going to tell you.”  She refused to elaborate on it but after me basically begging she finally confessed that he had no intentions on ever  being a father to me.  That he also told her that he just will never feel like I’m his daughter because we aren’t blood related.  There is just no connection.  Yet, he said he will never tell me that to my face because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.  Ouch!  Why, take it upon himself to go to dinner with me and make all those promises if he had zero intentions on following through.  I didn’t ask him to be a father figure, he offered.  I didn’t ask him to be there for Makenna, again…he offered.  I just don’t understand why someone would say and do all that if he didn’t mean it.  Playing with my feelings is not okay and with him knowing what all I’ve gone through with my biological father you would think he would know better than to do this to me again.  I’ll never know if this is really how he feels deep down or if he is still bitter with me because of the decision I made years ago when I chose my mother over him.  Either way, I’m done.  I’ve tried too many times and every time he swears it’s going to be different.  I’m just over it.  More and more I’m accepting the fact that my father figure I’ve always wanted just doesn’t exist.  This is why I push so much for Makenna to know her own father.  I don’t want her to ever have to go through the same thing I’ve had to endure.  Unfortunately I know I’ve already put obstacles in front of her by becoming a single mother myself.  I pray every night that she will someday have the perfect family I always wanted for myself.

Caffeine

Caffeine is my new best friend.  Two days of Starbucks and I’ve been so productive at work that its 3:30pm and I’m left with nothing left to do for the day at work.  I mean technically I’m sure I could find something to do but usually around this time I’m still playing catch up from the morning.  It’s so nice having everything done and looking at a clean desk.  $5 a pop at Starbucks each day however is not as nice.  I decided to invest in a few K-Cups for the Keurig that the office purchased recently.  I’ll try it out tomorrow and let you know how I like it.  If it’s just as yummy as my Starbucks I will definitely have to invest in a case of K-Cups to keep at my desk.  The caffeine also seems to be helping with my appetite.  I’m not nearly as hungry as days without it.  Completely makes sense as to why most diet pills are loaded with caffeine.    

Sex Dreams

I’m sure we’ve all dreamt about a celebrity a time or two but 4 nights in a row?  I’m starting to think there is something really wrong with me.  Maybe practicing celibacy wasn’t the smartest decision.  I haven’t had sex since May and apparently it’s starting to mess with my head.  Lol.  The first night I woke up from what seemed like a completely real dream where I was dating my sister’s boyfriend’s best friend.  I don’t have a picture of him but he’s an MMA fighter so you get the idea.  I very rarely have sex dreams so this was rather new to me.  The intensity of the dream continued on after waking up and I found myself thinking about him all day long.  Then night #2 I woke up from a similar dream only this time my love interest was Chase Crawford.  I’ve never found him attractive before so this surprised me. 

Night # 3 I ended up dreaming all night long about Taylor Kinney.  This time there wasn’t as much sex involved as the two nights before.  It was mainly us on the couch cuddling up watching movies.  Who wouldn’t want to cuddle up with this guy right here….

Now last night (#4) really threw me off.  I had been watching The Walking Dead before falling asleep and what do you know….guess who I had sex with this time?  Yup, Darrell.  Well his real name is Norman Reedus.  Really???  Lol

I also had a brief dream about Chris Rene (see below) early this morning but it wasn’t a sexual dream so I guess it doesn’t count.

So I’ve come to two conclusions….

1)      I seriously need to get laid again, lol.

2)      I think it’s safe to say I’m strictly interested in white men again.

I find it funny that they all tend to have one thing in common, the bad boy image.  Sad, I’m 29 years old and the bad boy still turns me on.  Alright, that’s enough of my TMI for the day.

More Pics from Halloween...

Happy Halloween!!!

 I know I’ve been MIA for a bit but I will update everyone soon.  I had time for a quick hello so figured I’d wish everyone a Happy Halloween.  Be safe out tonight while doing your Trick or Treating.  Makenna has decided to dress up as Rapunzel (of course) and we will be going with her daddy around our neighborhood tonight.  This year is much more exciting since she’ll be walking around rather than being pushed by a stroller most of the way.  I sure hope she has fun! 

Update for the week...yes I'm that bored.

End of the week catch up.  As you can tell I have nothing exciting to talk about so I’ll just give a brief update to take up space today.

·         Enjoyed X-Factor this week.  I have a feeling this is going to be a good season for sure.  With that said, how early is too early to start singing lessons?  Makenna was born to be a star but after listening to her rendition of Twinkle, Twinkle last night I may need to call in the pros to help her out.  “Twinkle, Twinkle, Baby Baby Oh…Jingle All the way” is not exactly how the song goes but she tried.  Maybe she’s on the path for a remix album.

·         Asia’s allergies are insane this week.  It’s time to get her in to the vet because Benadryl is not helping and her face is super swollen.  Decided to switch to Banfield and sign her up for a Wellness plan.  Its $25-$32 a month but it will help cut down on annual maintenance since she is definitely not the healthiest of pups.  I love American Bulldogs but I wish I would have known about all the issues they can have before purchasing two.

·         While budgeting for the month I realized I DO NOT like October.  5 birthdays, pups rabies expire this month, more time off for work, Halloween costume needed, oh and just remembered that Boss’s Day is Tuesday.  For those of you who love your boss or for those who just really need to get off his/her shit list make sure to pick something up before work.

·         Found myself mad at EVERYONE yesterday.  Seriously EVERYONE!  My co-workers, my sister, my mother, Scott, a few friends, Mr Big, Makenna, little kids next door, and even the old people taking too long to cross the road.  I know, I know…I need therapy.  Retail therapy that is.  Lucky for me Kendall reminded me that he still hadn’t picked up my bday present (only a month late) so I ended my day with the new liners from Urban Decay.  Yay!  I <3 him so much!

·         Another dislike I realized, my disgust for selfish or more accurately described, self-absorbed people.  Thanks to the few friends that helped me see that its okay to feel that way regardless of the situation or person. 

·         Was asked to help someone decide whether to marry their significant other or kick him to the curb.  Flattered that she valued my opinion but scared to death to give an honest answer.  That decision either way is life changing.  I love my friends to death but sometimes I wish I was rich so when they are having issues I could just say, “Here, I’ll set you up with a therapist today.”  Professionals clearly have better advice than I do.

·         Need to make final decision on who I’m voting for.  Thought about not voting since I don’t care for either candidates but I hate when people do that.  Time to make a decision.

·         Researching auto shops in Pflugerville so I can get a quote on replacing or rebuilding my engine.  I need my car back.  Does anyone have any suggestions???

·         Super excited for Vampire Diaries tonight.  I know I’m 29 but I’m a sucker (no pun intended) for  vamp shows/movies. It’s no surprise that Damon is my favorite.  I’ve never denied my obsession with bad boys.

·         Hung out with an old friend/lover this past weekend and I must say he still makes me smile.  Wondering whether he felt the same.  I got butterflies when I hugged him goodbye.  That NEVER happens.  If only he lived in Austin…

Well, that’s it for today.  Excuse the randomness.

The Universe Is Against Me

I woke up this morning to an unfamiliar smell coming from the kitchen.  Most mornings I don’t make it to the kitchen until 2 minutes before its time to walk out the door.  At that time I usually grab a protein drink, pop tart, or a banana.  So to smell food first thing this morning was a refreshing way to start my morning. I walked in to find Emily (step sister) in the kitchen and a huge production there in front of me.  Bacon, Sausage, Migas, Tortillas.  Seriously?  I’m assuming she didn’t get the memo that today was the day I’d sworn to get back on track with my diet.  For those unaware of what Migas are, its scrambled eggs mixed with peppers, cheese, and tortilla strips.  Super yummy but not good for the person avoiding Mexican food, more importantly…tortillas.  Needless to say I didn’t start my morning off as planned.  It didn’t help that when I walked in the office they had Round Rock donuts (my favorite) sitting in the break room.  Really?  This can’t be happening.  Then I get to my desk and one of my co-workers walks in with two cups of Starbucks.  Thanks for the sudden craving for a Mocha Frapp.  Still, I did not give into the craving  and began to check email.  The first one that pops up is from my friend demanding I attend lunch with her today.  Typical.  She claims it’s the last time she will ask since she is also starting a diet and can no longer indulge in eating out each day.  As many times as I told her no she fired back with reasons why I MUST go and so I now find myself back in the same situation I was in this morning.  My will power absolutely stinks today.  I have agreed to go with her but have put my foot down on what I will be eating.  I told her that wherever we go I will be having soup.  Ironically she has chosen a Mexican food restaurant.  FML!  Still, I will have soup and no chips and salsa.  I’m writing this down so I have no choice but to stick with it.  Done with my rant for the day but I seriously am convinced that the universe is against me today.  That is all.  Happy Monday!

Roger's Visit

Roger (Nick’s father) came to visit this past weekend and we had a great time catching up.  I still can’t believe Nick has been gone 5 years.  It feels like just yesterday we were visiting him at Austin Hospice, saying our goodbyes.  Needless to say this visit from Roger was bittersweet.  I see so much of Nick in him.  We caught up on old times and went through all of Nick’s old stuff so that Roger could take a few items back to Connecticut with him.  While it was hard for me I could tell it was even harder for my mother.  I’m not sure she’s ever truly receive the closure she needs but I hope someday that she does.  My closer came much easier.  The day Nick passed away was all the closer that I needed.   To see him finally out of pain and no longer suffering was all I needed.  I will agree that cancer is a horrible disease however I’m gracious it allowed us all time to share our feelings with Nick and make as many memories with him as possible knowing it would be our last.  The last year he was in my  life was the most fulfilling.  Our talks were so honest & pure.  Unlike most of the conversations we have with others we knew everything said was genuine and hid nothing.  He gave me the good & the bad and I did the same.  When you know your end date it’s amazing how much more you appreciate the small things.  Ugh, enough about all this.  Getting emotional and I’m on my break at work so this is not the time to go any more in depth on the subject.  To conclude, we ended last night at Oasis for Salsa Night.  So much fun and the view was absolutely beautiful.  Makenna was able to dance with her GrandPop (that’s what she called him) and we were able to enjoy his last here with good food & lots of laughs.  Great weekend!

So true....

Another Day in Boerne

We decided to spend yesterday shopping in Boerne and also had a chance to take Makenna to feed the ducks.  She had so much fun and I was able to get a few good pictures.  Next time we will have to bring more than one loaf of bread with us.   I browsed a few shops while I was there and ended up finding a cute purple bag for fall.  I’ve been searching for the perfect purple purse all year and while this isn’t exactly perfect it will work until I find what I’m looking for.  Plus it was on sale for $38 and we all know I’m on a budget so that made it even better.  I don’t remember the last time I bought a purse that cheat.  On the way back from SA we took the scenic route home through Bulverde, Johnson City, Dripping Springs, etc.  So beautiful.  The deer along the way were an added bonus and Makenna loved it almost as much as I did.  Not sure why I’ve been on this nature kick but I have an itch to do some hiking soon.  Going to start researching places in my free time.  Now it’s Monday and I’m back to a view of a yucky monitor and a boring cubicle.  BOO!  Can’t wait for the weekend so I can get back out and explore some more.  Fingers crossed this week goes by fast.

A Price Wedding

My oldest cousin Ken (Scooter) got married today in SA.  It was such a pretty wedding.  They had it outdoors which we all know is never guaranteed to work out with Texas weather however this time everything turned out great.  It was held under a big oak tree in Floresville & the reception followed at Studio C.  I almost didn’t attend since Makenna ended up with an ear infection yesterday.  Luckily she woke up in a great mood today so I made the last minute decision to head south.  I’m so glad I did.  Not only was it such a sweet day but getting to see family is always a plus.  Congrats Mr & Mrs Price!  Here are a few pics from the wedding. 

Leona Lewis - Happy (US Version)

This goes perfectly with my mood right now.

Mr. Big

My version of Mr. Big.  Well the emotionally unattached and unattainable Mr. Big.  Not the later version whom Carrie married.  Lol

I met him when I was 19 and understandably clueless regarding love.  I hesitated at first to give him my number when meeting him downtown but after much persuasion I completely caved and he ended up at my house by the end of the night.  That was probably one of the most intense nights I’ve ever had, sexually speaking.  I lost count over the years but if I had to guess we must have gone at least 7 or 8 rounds throughout the evening.  Ironically he was suppose to be my first one night stand.  10 years later he still seems to hold my heart.  We tried to continue whatever you want to call what we had.  What sometimes felt like more of a relationship should probably be more accurately labeled a fling.  It went on for about a year or two.  Some days were great, others were horrible.  He never wanted to commit yet still wanted to keep me all to himself.  Man, we really did have some crazy fights and in the end I was the one hurt & upset.  I was young, still very immature and had no clue how to handle the feelings I had for him.  After the dust had settled we began hanging out again but never let it get as intense as it had been in the past.  The moment I started acting crazy or jealous he backed off.  And  I soon learned to pull away when I felt that warmness in my heart that took it from friends with benefits to more than friends. 

I can honestly say over the past few years I’ve finally come to handle our complicated situation as maturely as I’m sure he would have liked me to have in the beginning.  See, Mr Big has a very healthy appetite for women. So while he may have me Friday night, he’ll have a few more samplings of other cuisines over the weekend.  This was something I could not swallow when we first started out.  I was still too young and naïve and believed that I was the only one for him. However, I’m at a place in my life now where I’m finally able to play my role.  We have a very strong friendship given what we’ve endured over time and well I’m confident in knowing that when we share intimate moments it is completely unique and special to just us.  The connection he has with me I know he will never have with someone else and vice versa.  Still, since we are both single we are aware that we will both have other encounters while on our quest for love.   Don’t get me wrong though, I still have my girl moments where I feel the jealousy coming on.  Thankfully, he usually can snap me out of it before I let it consume me.  Its hard sometimes to be so emotionally connected to him and then shut off those feelings once I leave his place.  He’s the only man in my life I’ve ever been able to just sit and cry with and his presence alone makes me feel at ease no matter what I’m going through.  I’m sure you’re wondering right now why we haven’t just decided to date each other.  Trust me, my mind has wandered down that road a few times.   

Let me explain Mr Big for a moment.  He’s complicated, moody, cocky, opinionated and can occasionally be a tad arrogant.  However he makes no apologies for it and I find that extremely attractive.  His style is very metro sexual and I’d definitely call him a designer whore.  His lifestyle is very fast paced , he knows EVERYONE, he’s the life of the party and while he can hang with the elite he is still super down to earth.  You know the typical guy with a speedy sports car and a sexy female in the passenger seat.  Shops more than I do and has to have the best of everything.  Excessive is probably the best word to truly describe him.  Now do you see my dilemma?  Lol…our lives are completely different and I definitely wouldn’t say I’m anywhere near his type.  The sexy Brazilian with the huge ass that walks into the club with her tight Bebe dress and Christian Louboutins on definitely will catch his eye before I will.  With that said,  it only makes sense to laugh along with him when we joke about how we can never ever date one another. 

In all honesty when I think about the kind of life I want and the type of husband I want he doesn’t exactly fit the mold either.  While emotionally he’s been there for me through EVERYTHING there are certain qualities I want that he wouldn’t be able to offer. We’re just at two completely different places in our lives.  So its easier to just keep things the way they are.  If I  need to talk after a bad day he’s there to talk to.  When I need some cuddle time he’s there to comfort me and give me that closeness that I desire for the night.  It just works.  However, since my friends constantly remind me that one day they think we will end up together, I still keep a slight ounce of hope that someday, he’ll truly turn into my Mr. Big.  After all… through all the good/bad guys, summer flings, or just “what was I thinking?” nights I still find myself right back at his front door every time.

Carolyn Dawn Johnson - Complicated

Birthday Weekend on Lake Travis

Just got back from spending the weekend on Lake Travis.  Super relaxing.  Wish I could show you all the pictures I took while out there but well, I didn’t really take any.  I got way too tipsy the first day to remember I had my camera.  Then the 2^nd day it rained the whole time so we spent the majority of the weekend in doors drinking and hanging out.  Still, there are a few randoms below.  The bed in my room, jello shots & dominoes, and of course a view of the lake in the middle of the rain.  Lol…don’t let the pics fool you though bc we had a great time.  =)  The room was located on The Island on Lake Travis in Lago Vista.  Absolutely beautiful area and I loved all the deer that came right up to the property.  Dinner on the balcony of the restaurant Brizo (on property) was great and of course we loved the décor of the actual condo.  Overall a nice relaxing weekend spent with a few close friends.  Lots and lots of laughs and a few shockers along the way.  Happy Birthday to me!!!

Bra Issues

As if I didn’t need another reason to stick with this whole fitness kick…see below.

I decided to order two bras online.  One was suppose to be semi sexy and the other was  suppose to be a sports bra with maximum support.  NEITHER turned out as planned.  The first was a purple lace from the Cacique collection at Lane Bryant that apparently still was not big enough.  I ordered a 44G thinking it would be a little snug but not too bad.  Boy was I wrong.  As you’ll notice below my chest was busting out in all areas.  Not sexy at all!!!!  While it felt okay around, I obviously need to go up a cup size.  An H though?  This is just getting ridiculous.  I decided to switch to the sports bra I ordered hoping for better results.  I ordered the largest size they sold (28) from Marika (see below).  I’ve heard wonderful things about this bra so I was really anxious to test it out.  While it definitely smoothed out my back & sides, again I was faced with my boobs popping out the top.  Seriously!  I can’t go any bigger as far as sports bras go.  Rather than continue to get upset I decided this would be even more of an incentive to stick with Sparkpeople and my weight loss goals.  I’m going to keep both bras and the purple one will be my first goal to fit into.  Since I went ahead and decided to post pics I will have a point of reference for my results.  Ironically I’m probably one of the few women I know that is actually looking forward to decreasing her bust.  Here goes nothing….