Alicia Keys - Brand New Me

So much for thinking I didn't have "Daddy Issues"

Saturday night I sat down and had an unexpected heart to heart with my sister.  I’m not sure how we even started talking about her father but somehow it came up.  I don’t think I’ve updated you guys but Mark (her father) and I made up after not speaking for almost 2 years over a month ago.  Again, for those who don’t know he raised me from 4 years of age til I was 12.  When my parents chose to divorce I decided to live with him but eventually gave in and moved with my mother.  Anyways, when his father passed away recently I attended the funeral and we decided to move forward with our relationship.  A week later we had dinner, the three of us, and I thought it was a changing point for us.  He apologized for not being there for me and told me I will always be his daughter no matter what.  He went on and on over dinner about how me being his daughter will never change and how much he wants to continue to have me part of his life.  How much he loves me & cares about me came out more than once from his mouth.  Still skeptical I told him that while what he was saying sounded good I hoped he meant it.  He has a pattern of reaching out, building back my trust and then disappearing again.  So I asked him to please promise to follow through this time and not pull away again. He reassured me over and over that it wouldn’t happen again and that he had changed. 

Thinking all was well this weekend I decided to finally have him meet Makenna.  If he wanted to be my father it was only right he meet his grandchild.  It went great and Makenna seemed to really warm up to him.  All was well til he came and sat down on the couch, hugged Brittany and said, “I’m so glad to see my daughter.  All I want to do is spend time with my daughter.”  No, not daughters…DAUGHTER.  What made it even more awkward was that I was sitting right beside her.  I tried to ignore it as best as I could.  Then, someone mentioned him wanting grandchildren.  My aunt said, “Well you have Makenna…” Long pause…and then no comment.  At this point I could tell something was up.  The person who claimed to be so excited about being my father and being a grandfather was no longer there. 

Now back to the convo with Brittany…when I mentioned this awkwardness that had taken place earlier in the night her response was, “Tiff just don’t put any more effort into it.  That’s all I’m going to tell you.”  She refused to elaborate on it but after me basically begging she finally confessed that he had no intentions on ever  being a father to me.  That he also told her that he just will never feel like I’m his daughter because we aren’t blood related.  There is just no connection.  Yet, he said he will never tell me that to my face because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.  Ouch!  Why, take it upon himself to go to dinner with me and make all those promises if he had zero intentions on following through.  I didn’t ask him to be a father figure, he offered.  I didn’t ask him to be there for Makenna, again…he offered.  I just don’t understand why someone would say and do all that if he didn’t mean it.  Playing with my feelings is not okay and with him knowing what all I’ve gone through with my biological father you would think he would know better than to do this to me again.  I’ll never know if this is really how he feels deep down or if he is still bitter with me because of the decision I made years ago when I chose my mother over him.  Either way, I’m done.  I’ve tried too many times and every time he swears it’s going to be different.  I’m just over it.  More and more I’m accepting the fact that my father figure I’ve always wanted just doesn’t exist.  This is why I push so much for Makenna to know her own father.  I don’t want her to ever have to go through the same thing I’ve had to endure.  Unfortunately I know I’ve already put obstacles in front of her by becoming a single mother myself.  I pray every night that she will someday have the perfect family I always wanted for myself.

Caffeine

Caffeine is my new best friend.  Two days of Starbucks and I’ve been so productive at work that its 3:30pm and I’m left with nothing left to do for the day at work.  I mean technically I’m sure I could find something to do but usually around this time I’m still playing catch up from the morning.  It’s so nice having everything done and looking at a clean desk.  $5 a pop at Starbucks each day however is not as nice.  I decided to invest in a few K-Cups for the Keurig that the office purchased recently.  I’ll try it out tomorrow and let you know how I like it.  If it’s just as yummy as my Starbucks I will definitely have to invest in a case of K-Cups to keep at my desk.  The caffeine also seems to be helping with my appetite.  I’m not nearly as hungry as days without it.  Completely makes sense as to why most diet pills are loaded with caffeine.    

Sex Dreams

I’m sure we’ve all dreamt about a celebrity a time or two but 4 nights in a row?  I’m starting to think there is something really wrong with me.  Maybe practicing celibacy wasn’t the smartest decision.  I haven’t had sex since May and apparently it’s starting to mess with my head.  Lol.  The first night I woke up from what seemed like a completely real dream where I was dating my sister’s boyfriend’s best friend.  I don’t have a picture of him but he’s an MMA fighter so you get the idea.  I very rarely have sex dreams so this was rather new to me.  The intensity of the dream continued on after waking up and I found myself thinking about him all day long.  Then night #2 I woke up from a similar dream only this time my love interest was Chase Crawford.  I’ve never found him attractive before so this surprised me. 

Night # 3 I ended up dreaming all night long about Taylor Kinney.  This time there wasn’t as much sex involved as the two nights before.  It was mainly us on the couch cuddling up watching movies.  Who wouldn’t want to cuddle up with this guy right here….

Now last night (#4) really threw me off.  I had been watching The Walking Dead before falling asleep and what do you know….guess who I had sex with this time?  Yup, Darrell.  Well his real name is Norman Reedus.  Really???  Lol

I also had a brief dream about Chris Rene (see below) early this morning but it wasn’t a sexual dream so I guess it doesn’t count.

So I’ve come to two conclusions….

1)      I seriously need to get laid again, lol.

2)      I think it’s safe to say I’m strictly interested in white men again.

I find it funny that they all tend to have one thing in common, the bad boy image.  Sad, I’m 29 years old and the bad boy still turns me on.  Alright, that’s enough of my TMI for the day.

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