The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster.
Thursday, February 14, 2013:
· Woke up and immediately jumped on the scale. Down another 2lbs!!! Yay!!! I was already starting my Valentine’s Day off right. Gathered Makenna’s cards together for school and started off my work day. The day went by pretty quickly, I received a few Happy Valentine’s Day texts/calls, came home and enjoyed a quiet night with Makenna til she finally fell asleep. Then I headed over to Mr Big’s apt to spend some QT with him. I had missed him so much since he left for Brazil so while I was exhausted I couldn’t pass up the chance to see him. Things went well like they always do. It hit me even more once I saw him just how much I’d missed him. I couldn’t keep my hands to myself. =) I left that night feeling a little different than I normally do. I still had butterflies and as much as I tried to stop thinking about him, the thoughts carried through to the next day.
Friday, February 15, 2013:
· Slow day since I slept in and lounged around for so long. Katya came over around 3 to do my hair. Loved it! She did a great job like always. Posted this pic via FB and the comments/texts began right away.
I love that everyone seemed to like it. With my hair done I should have chose this night to go out but instead I kept it low key and caught a movie with my mother. Just how every single woman should spend their Friday night, not!
Saturday, February 16, 2013:
· We scheduled a play date for today at Meghan’s house. Alexis and her daughters joined as well so it was Adrianna, Makenna, Aaniya, & J’Adea. Thankfully the girls all got along. It was so cute watching them all interact. This also gave us some girl time to chit chat and catch up. We definitely will be doing that again. The girls were worn out by the end of the night which was perfect for us since we had decided to go downtown for the evening.
Now downtown was not as enjoyable as that day was. We could not decide on a bar and when we finally did, it was definitely not the crowd I wanted to be around. There was lots of complaining going out, no good eye candy, and to sum it up I ended up punching a guy at the end of the night. What’s even worse was that I was sober when I did it. That should tell you what kind of mood I was in. Still, we were able to laugh about it and vowed to have a “redo” sometime soon. The one thing I really could have done without would be the topic of Mr Big coming up a few times that day. Trying to explain my relationship with him opened up a can of worms I’d been trying to keep sealed.
Sunday, February 17, 2013:
· I woke up still annoyed with the following night and partially still confused as to the topic of Mr Big. I tried bringing it up to him and vaguely letting him know I still have feelings for him but he quickly blew it off. See while talking about him the day before it hit me that the bottom line is I’m still in love with him. I always have been. I just try to protect myself by saying that he’s not someone I’d ever date. Deep down I know that is not true and my girls quickly got that out of me. The reality is I’ve always loved him but I know he’s not interested in dating me so I just agreed and when people asked, I said we’re just good friends. Leave it to my best friend to bring up the fact that she thinks we’re both just fighting it and we will end up giving in eventually. Bam! Dumb girl feelings came right back. Now I started to actually consider telling him all of this in hopes that he’d feel the same. Yeah, we tried to date back when he first met me (I was 19), I mean I guess you would call it that. No, it didn’t work and turned out to be a disaster but I’m almost 30 now. He’s different, I’m different. Why couldn’t we just try it? Ugh…I hate when I get these ideas in my head. Anyhow, he never responded to my text about everything so I left it alone. Still…I kind of wanted his input. And here is when I decided to start listening to Adele again….Her song, One & Only is now his ringtone. Every word she sings is exactly how I feel about him. Here is a small piece from her song:
You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want
I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Anyhow….I agreed to go to the zoo with the same girls from the day before to help clear my head. It didn’t exactly work but in between thoughts of him I managed to have a good time with the girls. All of our daughters were well behaved and with the exception of one fit from Makenna when I wouldn’t let her see the reptiles, it was a great day. I drove back with Meghan which was extremely therapeutic. We discussed everything and for the first time in a long time I felt like our friendship was back on track. Things had still been weird from our original fight over a year ago and while I tried to get closer to her it just also seemed different. So being able to open up was refreshing. I’m glad I went on the little road trip. I definitely needed it.
Monday, February 18, 2013:
· I was first woken up from the sounds of my phone going off. Text message received! When I unlocked my phone I found that it was from the person I’d been waiting to hear from. Mr Big of course. He randomly was asking me why while I was dating Lamonte did he hate him so much. It caught me off guard but I thought maybe he’d actually been thinking long and hard about what I’d said and was really thinking about the last few years of our friendship/relationship. Don’t ask me why this was my first assumption…I’m a woman. Do we ever make any sense? I responded with the truth, that Lamonte knew I was still in love with him so he was very jealous. Then came his reason for the random text, “Well see, this chick I used to date recently reached out again and told me that her ex hated me. Just trying to find a link.” Of course. Why would I think this had anything to do with me. Spent the rest of the day rather annoyed that once again I let my stupid girly thoughts get the best of me. Our relationship will never progress into anything and while I keep saying I wish he’d give me closure I realized he’s been giving me closure for years. I just have never accepted it. While he loves me his response to my advances has always been, “You know how I feel about you.” Well now, Mr Big I clearly know how you feel about me. It’s coming in loud and clear. This so happened to be the same day I got into a fight with my sister. A fight that I have a feeling will inevitably change out future relationship. I’m sure it will be a blog topic soon so no need for details right now. Ugh! Thankfully, Rachel got me out of the house. Not sure I should have gone out though being that my eyes were super swollen from the long morning of crying. Still, I tried to enjoy the rest of the afternoon.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013:
· Stayed home due to me being extremely sick to my stomach. Not sure if I’m coming down with something or its all the crap I’ve been going through. Either way, I could not get out of bed. Closed my eyes and slept til the next day.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013:
· Logged in to Facebook bc I had a few messages and what is the first thing that pops up on my timeline? A convo that Mr Big was having with the “chick” he must have been referring to the other day. I’m not completely sure but I put two and two together and well let’s just say not a good morning. My main issue is that it happens to be the same chick that I didn’t like in the past. Any time I would post anything on his wall she would immediately post something about the two of them kinda like, “Bitch, back off he’s mine.” Anyhow, that obviously didn’t go over with me back then and seeing it first thing this morning didn’t go over well now. I don’t want to know he had her sleeping over. Especially since I was just with him a few days ago. My annoyance quickly turned to hurt and I’ve realized I need to distance myself yet again. I apparently can’t control my feelings right now. I’m not sure I ever will be. I try to mask them but the moment I’m around him my wall breaks down. I’m wondering if the distance I’m placing needs to become permanent. We’ve been doing this for years and at the end of the day the only person who ends up hurt is me. Every single time. BLAH! Fuck today! That is enough venting for me. Fingers crossed for a better week. Hell, even just some sunshine would be nice. It’s been a cold dreary day.
