Lifestyle Change

I’ve been super stressed for the past week with all the issues going on in my life.  Car being completely F****** up,  Makenna’s latest tantrums, lack of $$$, and then on top of that fighting with just about everyone.  You know its bad when you get to the point where you have to check yourself and say, “Mommy needs a TIME OUT!”.  With all that, on top of the recent fighting with Lamonte its only natural that my blood pressure was up when I went to the doctor this week.  One thing I have realized is that Lamonte always makes my blood pressure go up and after talking to him I do the same thing to his BP.  So, this might seem crazy but I’ve asked him to not call/text/see me for awhile.  I need a break from him.  It’s nothing personal but with everything going on I just don’t need the added stress.  I don’t think he took it the right way and I’m sure it sounds crazy when we have a child together but I just hit my breaking point.  We know all the right buttons to push with each other and well that is exactly what’s happened recently.  I’m hoping with a little space we’ll both find that we’re much happier.  It’s time for a complete lifestyle change for myself.  Regarding all aspects of my life.  I need to start eating healthier, exercise, work on getting finances in order, work even harder on making better decisions regarding my current love life and the complicated situations I get myself into because of it.  Just need a clean start.  I really want to find a church that I love and start attending more frequently.  I’ve tried everything else so maybe a little faith will help.  It can’t hurt right?  So that’s whats going on in my life.  Nothing else too exciting has happened.  Xavier came to town and got to see is sister so that was good.  He’s such a sweet kid.  Makenna loved seeing her big brother and I loved it even more than she did.  I want her to grow up with her brother & sister around her.  Lamonte mentioned that X and his mother might be moving to Austin soon so hopefully that will work out and Mak can have him much closer.  =)

Just realized its time to leave work so that’s it for today.

Pool Day

With this crazy Texas heat it was the perfect time to head to the pool.  Makenna did so much better it the water today.  She has become more comfortable in the pool and is finally getting use to her new lifejacket.  She actually tried to swim which was great.  Now if only I could get her use to going under water.  I tried to start with blowing bubbles but she didn’t like that.  I’m hoping once her daddy gets back in town he can work with her and we can have her swimming before our Florida trip in August.  Fingers crossed.  Either way, that little girl loves the water and is definitely my little beach baby.  =)

Boerne, TX

We decided to spend the afternoon in Boerne, TX.  For those who aren’t familiar it’s a quaint little town outside of San Antonio.  It was Market Day there so we decided to do a little shopping.  The people were so friendly and we found all sorts of stuff.  I ended up buying Makenna a cross from a special needs group that were there.  All were handcrafted and proceeds will go to their foundation.  I’ll post pics later of the cross along with more information on the program.  It was nice meeting them and my aunt was able to get some info on the program for my cousin Kallie who struggles with autism.  While there we also found a shop that sells adorable purses for extremely reasonable prices.  Again, I’ll edit this post later this week with more info and links for the everything I’ve mentioned.  I definitely want to give a few plugs for these great business owners.  Everyone we met there was friendly and welcoming. 

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Torn

Some of you know that I grew up half my life with my brother & sister’s father raising me.  I looked at him as a father figure up until I decided to move to Austin with my mom when I was 12.  During their divorce things were pretty ugly and it was clear he was angry with me for choosing to move with her instead of staying back with my brother/sister.  Over the years we’ve tried to repair that relationship and I think we both let go of a lot of hurt.  When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter he was one of the first people I was excited to tell.   He also seemed excited himself to hear he was going to be a grandpa for the first time.  Then right before she was born the communication between him & I slowed down and I noticed he wasn’t responding when I sent him pictures of her.  Eventually it was relayed to me that he was not happy with the fact that she was the product of an interracial relationship.  I’ve always known his views on me dating outside my race but thought we’d come a long way with that.  He used very derogatory words describing her and said that he’d never accept a “fillintheblank” grandchild.   I honestly can say I didn’t think it was possible for a word like that to hurt me as much as it did.  Rather than let myself calm down first I called him and immediately started screaming at him and basically told him he could go to hell, that he’d never be welcome in our home, and that I NEVER wanted to see him again.  And that was it.  It’s been 2 years and there has been no communication.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder how he was doing or think about him during the holidays or family events but because of the love & respect I have for my daughter I’ve stuck by my word and stayed away.

Recently I’ve found out that his father has become very ill.  So ill that hospice has now been called out to their home to make him more comfortable during this time.  I’m struggling with doing what feels right in my heart and what feels right in my head.  My heart wants to call him, apologize for everything and tell him that I’m here for him during this time.  That I love him and miss him.   However, then I remember the things he said about my daughter and the type of man he has turned into.  The fact that I never want my daughter to even know that someone could say the things he said.  I don’t want Makenna to ever be subjected to that kind of hate or feel like I just excused it.  I know I just need to pray on it and I’ll make the right decision but right now I’m completely torn.