No more fried food!!!

I’ve been looking for some motivation to kick start my weight loss journey again.  I’m not sure why being out of breath during our dance contest this weekend wasn’t enough or the fact that my clothes aren’t fitting so great these days.  Anyhow, we went to dinner last night at a southern restaurant.  That means there was chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, the only veggie I had was covered with cheese and of course lots of bread swallowed by a glass of sweet tea.  Sounds like heaven to some but not for the girl who still has a ton of weight to lose. My mom and I decided to split a plate so I will admit that helped cut a few calories but let’s face it, not the best choice for dinner.   I left feeling overly stuffed and then started having stomach issues when I got home. Tried going to bed early to see if I could sleep it off but I was sick in the bathroom by 11:30pm.  As I prayed to the porcelain Gods for the last time at 4am I suddenly realized something. Yes, it was a light bulb moment.  After a night of fattening fried food….here was my motivation!

April 5th, 2012 - Makenna's grandmother

Thursday morning I decided it was finally time to send a picture of Makenna and reach out to her father’s parents.  In the 2 years she’s been alive I’ve never tried to call them or write them.  Realizing that we’re all getting older and his mom was not in the best health I decided now was the perfect time.  So I asked for their address and sent them an Easter card/pic saying that Makenna could not wait to see them soon.  Yes, I was finally going to let her daddy take her to Houston alone so she could meet her grandparents.  Card was put in the mail and I thought all was good.  Then around 9:30pm that night I got a text from Lamonte that his mother had passed away.  What?!?!?!?  I thought she was starting to do better.  Immediately I broke out in tears.  Sounds strange being that I didn’t know her but so many emotions came over me.  I hated hearing him so upset and knowing there was no way to take his pain away.  I felt horrible knowing that Makenna would never get to meet her grandmother and I was the only person to blame for that.  My heart went out to his sisters who have been so good to Makenna and I both.  Then I remembered that I had put that card in the mail.  Even more regret came over me.  How bad would it be to receive this card to his mother after his mother passed away? 

It’s been a few days and I still have mixed emotions about everything.  I’m trying to let the regret go but I still can’t help but feel like I was wrong for never taking a trip to Houston so they could meet Makenna.  I was bitter for so long that they never tried to reach out to me regarding Makenna that I let it get the best of me.  Actually let me rephrase that, I was bitter towards his father.  Not his mother, I knew how sick she was but I felt like his father could have called at least once over the past two years.  Never once did I think maybe I was just as wrong for not reaching out to them.  It’s amazing how blind we can be when it comes to our own actions.  I like to think when it comes to my daughter that I’m not selfish but by letting my own pride interfere I was extremely selfish.  All I can do now is try to keep Makenna more involved with the rest of Lamonte’s family.  Once things settle down I’ll talk to Lamonte about spending a weekend in Houston so she can spend some quality time with her grandfather.  Right now, I’m just trying to help him deal with everything.  I’m in a weird place right now.  I want to talk to him, be there for him and his sisters, hell…I wanted to drive him there when I heard how upset he was.  I have so many questions regarding how she passed away and when her funeral is but at the same time I have to know my place. I’m Makenna’s mother, not his girlfriend so I don’t want to over step any boundaries.  Since I’m clueless on what’s appropriate and what’s not I just continue to text him daily letting him know we’re thinking about him and love him.  I hope that helps bring him some comfort each day.