Torn

Some of you know that I grew up half my life with my brother & sister’s father raising me.  I looked at him as a father figure up until I decided to move to Austin with my mom when I was 12.  During their divorce things were pretty ugly and it was clear he was angry with me for choosing to move with her instead of staying back with my brother/sister.  Over the years we’ve tried to repair that relationship and I think we both let go of a lot of hurt.  When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter he was one of the first people I was excited to tell.   He also seemed excited himself to hear he was going to be a grandpa for the first time.  Then right before she was born the communication between him & I slowed down and I noticed he wasn’t responding when I sent him pictures of her.  Eventually it was relayed to me that he was not happy with the fact that she was the product of an interracial relationship.  I’ve always known his views on me dating outside my race but thought we’d come a long way with that.  He used very derogatory words describing her and said that he’d never accept a “fillintheblank” grandchild.   I honestly can say I didn’t think it was possible for a word like that to hurt me as much as it did.  Rather than let myself calm down first I called him and immediately started screaming at him and basically told him he could go to hell, that he’d never be welcome in our home, and that I NEVER wanted to see him again.  And that was it.  It’s been 2 years and there has been no communication.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder how he was doing or think about him during the holidays or family events but because of the love & respect I have for my daughter I’ve stuck by my word and stayed away.

Recently I’ve found out that his father has become very ill.  So ill that hospice has now been called out to their home to make him more comfortable during this time.  I’m struggling with doing what feels right in my heart and what feels right in my head.  My heart wants to call him, apologize for everything and tell him that I’m here for him during this time.  That I love him and miss him.   However, then I remember the things he said about my daughter and the type of man he has turned into.  The fact that I never want my daughter to even know that someone could say the things he said.  I don’t want Makenna to ever be subjected to that kind of hate or feel like I just excused it.  I know I just need to pray on it and I’ll make the right decision but right now I’m completely torn.