Stagnant

I received a text from a friend asking, “Do you ever feel stagnant?”  As I sat back and reflected I found that while I have been at that point a time or two I don’t stay stagnant for very long.  The moment I feel like I’m just going through the motions and not really moving forward I try to check myself.  I will focus on something new, whether that be school, furthering my career, being a better parent, losing weight, hell…I’ll even color code my closet just to feel like I’m being somewhat productive.  =)  I can’t stand that “stuck” feeling.  It happens every now and then though no matter how hard I try to fight it.  I’m a single mom living back at home with my own mother at almost 30.  How can I not feel stuck sometimes?  School had been starting to make me feel that way.  I was holding back from majoring in education due to my own fear of not being able to provide financially the way I’d like for Makenna.  I was just going to shoot for something that would allow me to finish school faster so I could immediately increase my current income.  However, I wouldn’t be moving in the direction that I’m most passionate about.  Both teaching and learning excites me.  I’m a nerd.  The more knowledge I obtain the happier I am.  I’m not sure very many people know this about me.  I just don’t seem to get that deep with most of my friends these days.  I keep it all inside so I’m sure they have no idea that my ideal life would include studying abroad.  If money wasn’t a factor and I didn’t have Makenna I’d love to travel all over the world and just study the different cultures.  People in general fascinate me.  In a time when all you see on the news is violence, gossip, or disaster I’m sure this may shock some of you when I say that people give me hope & I find peace in learning their stories.  Where they’ve come from, where they’re going.  What they want in life and how they plan on achieving it.  We can learn so much from each other if we just take the time to stop and look around.  Introduce yourself to your neighbors.  Don’t be afraid to spark a conversation with the stranger sitting next to you at an event.  You never know what type of relationship you may form with just a simple hello.  I’m mentioning this now because I had this conversation with a woman I met recently and I ended it with, “Well that’s what I would do if I didn’t have Makenna.”  She looked very puzzled and asked, “Why does that matter?”.  I guess I felt like in a way once I became a mother I put all my dreams aside so that I could focus on Makenna.  Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?  I always thought that once she was born I was suppose to solely focus on her and give her the most stable environment I could.  Traveling to a foreign country with a child, not being able to provide her with all the nice things she has now just seemed selfish.  As we sat and talked more I realized no matter where I am or how much money I have or don’t have that I can always provide my daughter with the two most important things she will need, love & strength.    If we struggle so that I can follow my dreams she will see first hand that with strength and determination you can achieve anything.  She will see that her mother continued on when most didn’t think she should.  That she did not become a statistic.  If anything it will mold her into a strong woman herself.  Right now she’s a child with hope & dreams.  She sees the world more beautifully than any adult can.  I love that about her but I know there will be a day when the world starts to pull her down.  That is why I am so focused on raising a strong woman.   These are the years that count and I want her childhood to be full of culture, passion, the best education, and of course love.  With that said, I have a lot of thinking to do about my next steps.  There are definitely some changes to be made.

Thank you Terrance for making me think a little today.  It was a nice break from the mindless data entry that was consuming my afternoon.